My fight with QBOY, the gay rapper.

David Cano

Those of you who know me may be aware that I am obsessed with two things: hip hop and YouTube.

Oh yes. It's an almost all-consuming addiction that has me up late at night trawling through mediocre hip hop videos and freestyle battles. Up until recently I rarely commented on these audio-visual offerings but eventually, I became so infuriated with the myriad of pig testes on display, I felt it was my duty to vent my vitriolic discontent.

Since then I have commented on many a pathetic clip, usually with biting satirical and ironic wit. Oh yes. It is through this activity that I have recently become embroiled in a war of words with a gay rapper that goes by the name of QBOY (the Q stands for queer, in case you were wondering). Just to let you know what I was up against here is the specimen in question.

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I know, I know, it's painful. Naturally something had to be said, and it seemed I was the man to do it. I posted a little comment (which was quickly deleted, I might add) basically asserting the opinion the video was, quite simply, shite. What I got in response was a personal and somewhat perturbed message from the man himself. That for me was the laying down of cyber-gauntlet. It was like he had ambled up to me, slapped me in the face with his removed leather glove and demanded satisfaction. Never one to back down from a duel of correspondence, I set to work on a retort and so began the battle which has now lasted a few days. I have conveniently reproduced the transcripts here, verbatim and complete with spelling mistakes and grammatical errors, for your entertainment.

QBOY:

You are a bit fucking rude and free with your mouth aren't you.

ME:

Why yes, thank you!

I see you deleted my comment, cant handle a bit of criticism I see.

QBOY:

I didn't actually, I didn't post up the video so don't have anyway to access the comments. However, you were not being critical in a fair or constructive way, you were just being a bitch. In the cybernetic world of the internet, bitches come a dime a dozen. You all think you're all that when you have a username to hide behind and you all think your opinion matters, but it doesn't. Just makes you arrogant and stupid. I would never waste my time filling my life with negative energy and surfing the intenet just to make horrid comments about people. You being an exception as it was a retaliation. If I saw a video from an artist and didn't enjoy it, I wouldn simply just not watch it. I wouldn't waste my time leaving a comment saying something horrible, but for you, you seem to think this is a good and productive way to spend your life. How terribly sad for you.

ME:

ouch me thinks someone was a little hurt by an ikle wikle comment. thank god i have this screen name to hide behind otherwise i would never dream of making neagtive comments about some oversensitive prick who makes terrible music and even more terrible documentaries (by the way, the rap at the end of that was really splendid, you're def giving the likes of Rakim a run for their money)

Now putting that aside, lets address this issue of fair criticism. Firstly, the beat. It was weak, the sample was terrible, the break was wack... in short the production quality was straight corny, it sounds like some fucking sony keyboard preset. And you bit the little austin powers sample from Ludacris' "number one spot" with no reference to it.

Next, the lyrics. Dear christ, your metaphors and similes are infantile, there are no discernable rhyming schemes, your punchlines are weak and dont make sense.... oh and "hip hop cool urban homo style".... seriously what were you thinking? you might have a quaint little gay following who know nothing about hip hop but are willing to get excited by the little novelty gap you are filling, but the truth is you'll never get rated by real hip hop followers and not even cos youre gay but for the sheer fact that you are WACK.
there we go a fair and technical analytical criticism.

Oh, and there was no negativity involved, in fact writing that comment made me very happy!
we live in culture of free speech, something like youtube exists on the principle that people can comment their opinions on videos. their is a rating system from one star to five.... from poor to great. its not like your only allowed to rate something if its good and asked not to rate if you dont like it, you are given the freedom to express your dislike for something. so thusly, i thought youre video was so terrible i felt i had to let the world know just how shit i think it was. that is my opinion prick and it has just as much importance as someone who loves it. plus your whole argument is bottomless because you, out of a feeling of some kind of hurt pride, have started insulting aspects of my life which a) you know nothing about and b) you have based on invented assumptions to try and get back at me. i criticised you on something you have made and put out for the world to see. if you cant take that then you need to question what you are doing.
grow some balls and accept that some people dont like your music.
kindest regards

Your number one fan.

QBOY:

oh dear. so much hate. yet quite inteligent. what a waste. maybe you'll learn next lifetime, eh? Go get yourself a copy of 'Coversations With God', light a spliff and chill out before you implode with all that negativity. Feel. sorry. for. you. love you. x.x.x.x.

ME:

I find it slightly incredulous that you made a judgement on how intelligent I am when you can't even spell the word. Also, I like the way you took my ironic sign off (i.e. "your number one fan"), and then tried to do it yourself. Bravo, a valiant yet ultimately ineffectual retort. Maybe if you stopped smoking spliffs and reading tripe like "conversations with god", you wouldn't be so delusional about your ability to rap and compose scathing come-backs. And no, unlike the protagonist in that terrible oeuvre, there are no qualms or injustices about my existence that I would like to take up with god..... well, apart from maybe one;

Dear God,

I recently became aware of a subject of yours who goes by the moniker of QBOY. When I was first informed of his work (he's a rapper, not just any old rapper, but a gay one (I know, earth shatteringly controversial)), I was quite excited to hear of a unique voice in a culture which I have always felt was unfairly homophobic. So, it was with much enthusiasm in my heart that I sought out his music video on the wonderful post-modern phenomenon known as youtube. Oh! how my enthusiasm quickly turned to that most vile of affectations; bitter disappointment. I had been so desperately hoping for something fresh, original and dare I say, inspiring. What I was confronted with instead was a mundane, tripe-laden, sickeningly camp and second rate performance barely worthy of the damnation of a Woolworth's bargain bucket. Why God, WHY?!?!?!?! How could you let this happen??? What a waste of a precious human life!!!! Surely you could have mapped him out a more honourable path in your great celestial vision, such as say, a life as a Butlin's red coat or maybe even a mime artist in a gay-awareness theatre group that tours primary schools. Alas, you have allowed him to unleash a tirade of predictable and uninteresting dross. God, I find it hard to believe that your own divine hand could create such a thing, but if you have, I have no alternative but to renounce your name and that of the very heavens themselves.

Yours,

a disaffected subject.

Wow, you know what? That actually helped. Maybe I won't "implode" from all that "negativity" now.

Thanks queer boy.

And that is the last I've heard from QBOY. Has he admitted defeat, resigning himself to the fact he is clearly outmatched in both wit and articulation, or is he just consolidating his forces for one last violent thrust? No homo. Time shall tell my friends. Until then, please feel free to visit his clips on YouTube and leave malicious comments. In fact, I actively encourage it.