A Woman's Way To Score

Deborah Hobson  

World Cup 2006 is in full swing and UK websites and blogs are bubbling with excitement. They feverishly compete to provide the most incisive, accurate commentary and insider gossip on football's biggest tournament to the global internet community. The-Latest  found out what beleaguered women might have to suffer.

 

Acutely aware that many male fans of the game will want to avoid domestic strife from wives and girlfriends who regard the impending competition as ‘one big yawn’, they are providing advice on how men can control their women and enjoy a stress-free football filled nirvana month. Ladies, if your man suddenly develops a strange ‘I’m the one in charge’ tone and says he wants to have a quiet word, watch out. Here are the ‘instructions’ circulating around the web. And remember The-Latest will be covering the best of the forthcoming action in our World Cup Blog By Phil Simms .

Dear Wife, Partner, Girlfriend,

1. From June 9 to July 9 2006, you should read the sports section of the newspaper so that you are aware of what is going on regarding the World Cup, and that way you will be able to join in the conversations. If you fail to do this, then you will be looked at in a bad way, or you will be totally ignored. DO NOT complain about not receiving any attention.

2. During the World Cup, the television is mine, at all times, without any exceptions.

3. If you have to pass by in front of the TV during a game, I don't mind, as long as you do it crawling on the floor and without distracting me. If you decide to stand nude in front of the TV, make sure you put clothes on right after because if you catch a cold, I won’t have time to take you to the doctor or look after you during the World Cup month.

4. During the games I will be blind, deaf and mute, unless I require a refill of my drink or something to eat. You are out of your mind if you expect me to listen to you, open the door, answer the telephone, or pick up the baby that just fell on the floor....It won’t happen.

5. It would be a good idea for you to keep at least two six packs of  beer in the fridge at all times, as well as plenty of things to nibble on, and please do not make any funny faces to my friends when they come over to watch the games. In return, you will be allowed to use the TV between 12 am and 6 am, unless they replay a good game that I missed during the day.

6. Please, please, please!! If you see me upset because one of my teams is losing, DO NOT say ‘get over it, it's only a game’, or ‘don't worry, they'll win next time’. If you say these things, you will only make me angry and I will love you less. Remember, you will never ever know more about football than me and your so-called ‘words of encouragement’ will only lead to a break up or divorce.

7. You are welcome to sit with me to watch one game and you can talk to me during half-time but only when the commercials are on, and only if the half-time score is pleasing me. In addition, please note I am saying one  game; hence do not use the World Cup as a nice cheesy excuse to  ‘spend time together’.

8. The replays of the goals are very important. I don't care if I have seen them or I haven't seen them, I want to see them again. Many times.

9. Tell your friends NOT to have any babies, or any other child related parties or gatherings that requires my attendance because:

a)  I will not go,
b)  I will not go, and
c)  I will not go.

10. But, if a friend of mine invites us to his house on a Sunday to watch a game, we will be there in a flash.

11. The daily World Cup highlights shown on TV every night are just as important as the games themselves. Do not even think about saying ‘but you have already seen this...why don't you change the channel to something we can all watch?’ because, the reply will be, ‘refer to Rule No. 2 of this list’.

12. And finally, please save your expressions such as ‘ Thank God the World Cup is only every four years’. I am immune to these words, because after this comes the Champions League, Italian League, Spanish League, Premier League, FA Cup, etc.

Thank you for your co-operation.

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1 Response to "A Woman's Way To Score"

Phil

Wed, 06/07/2006 - 13:57
This is fantastic - I have printed off three copies - one to stick on the fridge, the second, by the remote control and the third is in my photocopier. Happy Days!